Heart's deepest desire is to be love and be loved
Everyday is spent waiting and hoping for this mercy to take place
Everyday is met with bitter disappointment
No one to be my beloved, my cherished
Alone; feeling so hallow and broken and desperate
Tortured and ruined; bloodied and ragged
An empty shell riddled with weeping sores
A desiccating husk, a vibrant soul it once held
Dreaming of a dream
Praying and hoping for its existence
Yearning for it with every fiber of my being
Desiring with such intensity I bleed
From my soul and from my peace
Let flow the good and pure in me
Caused by clinging to the despairing hope
Waning faith, a flickering ember in the mist
Desperate for reassurance
Or confirmation that I am a fool
Anything concrete to hold on to, not feathers in the wind
Written: 28th April, 2013
By: Jaydon N. Foster
Tuesday, 11 June 2013
Thursday, 14 March 2013
Love you to Death
She stands in the corner shaking with anticipation
She takes another minute to digest the man laying on the bed
She takes a deep breathe, then exhales slowly to calm her nerves
She then clenches her fists as if to keep hold of her resolve
After she takes her first step forward the others came with ease
The closer she drew to the bed, the more she is taken aback by him
She is finding it more and more difficult to believe what is about to take place
Finally she's on the bed, straddling her lover; there is no turning back now
He looks up at her with shock and wonder plainly displayed in his eyes
Those eyes, long lashes that would make any woman jealous
Light brown that looks golden , so intense in their gaze
When those eyes rests on her, she feels like there is no one else in the world
Her eyes moves to his lips and she shivered recollection of what they've done to her
She leans down and kiss him deeply and passionately
He makes to move his hands towards her body but can't
He then sees that his hands are tied to the bed posts
She smiles seductively down at him as sh e runs her hand over his bare chest
She feels him tremble under her touch, she feels emboldened
Since he can't touch her, she decided to sate his desire
She lays on top of him, pressing herself against his body
With her head to his chest, she can hear his heart pounding wildly
She moves up to whisper, sweetly in his ear, "Do you like how this feels?"
As she takes hold of his man hood stroking him gently
There was no need for him to reply, his body said it all
She grew tired of the foreplay and was ready to give to her desire
"Lay back and relax baby, I am going to give you what you deserve"
As the hard instrument slid slowly inside, they gasped in unison
She saw his eyes widen with shock from the feel of it
She took a moment to savour the feel of it inside as deep as it could go
Excited by the sensation, she began to work it in and out
They moaned, groaned and screamed together
She screamed " I love you so much" to him
He could scream no more, he just stared up at her
She continued, increasing her pace her breathing became ragged from her effort
She kept going until she was weak and collapsed on him from exhaustion
She layed there, trying to catch her breath, drenched in hot fluids
She was completely spent but buzzing with delight
Because her lover was dead and the instrument was a knife
She used it to stab him 47 times, thus ending his life
She takes another minute to digest the man laying on the bed
She takes a deep breathe, then exhales slowly to calm her nerves
She then clenches her fists as if to keep hold of her resolve
After she takes her first step forward the others came with ease
The closer she drew to the bed, the more she is taken aback by him
She is finding it more and more difficult to believe what is about to take place
Finally she's on the bed, straddling her lover; there is no turning back now
He looks up at her with shock and wonder plainly displayed in his eyes
Those eyes, long lashes that would make any woman jealous
Light brown that looks golden , so intense in their gaze
When those eyes rests on her, she feels like there is no one else in the world
Her eyes moves to his lips and she shivered recollection of what they've done to her
She leans down and kiss him deeply and passionately
He makes to move his hands towards her body but can't
He then sees that his hands are tied to the bed posts
She smiles seductively down at him as sh e runs her hand over his bare chest
She feels him tremble under her touch, she feels emboldened
Since he can't touch her, she decided to sate his desire
She lays on top of him, pressing herself against his body
With her head to his chest, she can hear his heart pounding wildly
She moves up to whisper, sweetly in his ear, "Do you like how this feels?"
As she takes hold of his man hood stroking him gently
There was no need for him to reply, his body said it all
She grew tired of the foreplay and was ready to give to her desire
"Lay back and relax baby, I am going to give you what you deserve"
As the hard instrument slid slowly inside, they gasped in unison
She saw his eyes widen with shock from the feel of it
She took a moment to savour the feel of it inside as deep as it could go
Excited by the sensation, she began to work it in and out
They moaned, groaned and screamed together
She screamed " I love you so much" to him
He could scream no more, he just stared up at her
She continued, increasing her pace her breathing became ragged from her effort
She kept going until she was weak and collapsed on him from exhaustion
She layed there, trying to catch her breath, drenched in hot fluids
She was completely spent but buzzing with delight
Because her lover was dead and the instrument was a knife
She used it to stab him 47 times, thus ending his life
Exsanguination
Drip, drop of blood splattered the floor
Splish, splash here comes some more
It hurts so much but i can't stop
I must go deeper
My heart's pounding, the pace quickens
It's been too long since its been this active
The pulsing rushes oxygen to my head
Pushing the ever present fog away
My eyes widen, everything looks clearer now
Colours are brighter and each touch more intense
Everything seems so alive, even as the flow increases
I raise my head to the sky and inhale deeply
The intake of breathe is so sweet
I lift my right hand to my face to caress it gently
Exploring and gaining a new perception
Touch my lips and marvel at how soft and supple they are
Amazed that they aren't desired by all
Finally I let my hand fall back to my side
on the way down it trailed over my body
Feeling the warmth, the heat
Oh the breath-taking passions it could provide
Now I look down at my chest
Caught up in the rhythm of the slow rise and fall of my bosom
I look around; at myself and shed a tear
My breathing gets more shallow and my heart beat more rapid
Just then I close my eyes to savour this blissful high
As I lay here, left wrist slit and waiting to die.
Expression
I want to be bursting out with joy
I want every emotion to be physically manifested
The restrictions on my actions to be removed
To be without judgments on my point of view
Free from the incessant scrutiny
Oh how astounding it would be to return to a primal state of being
Be unbound by the laws and expectations of society
To be as free as a leaf in the wind
As wild as a babbling brook
Or as gay as a nightingale
To appreciate life from a humming bird's perspective
Every moment vivid and vital because they are few
Fear embraced and quickly overcome
For what is there to be feared when the end is near
To taste love and suckle from its teats
Dive into it without reservation
Fully accepting of the searing pain in your heart
The smoldering of your soul
Such intense desire that drives you to the edge of insanity
Passion that pushes you over
Admiration that makes you calmer
Trust to keep you sober
Faith that there will be no other
Hope that it will last forever
Written: 20th December, 2012
By Jaydon N. Foster
I want every emotion to be physically manifested
The restrictions on my actions to be removed
To be without judgments on my point of view
Free from the incessant scrutiny
Oh how astounding it would be to return to a primal state of being
Be unbound by the laws and expectations of society
To be as free as a leaf in the wind
As wild as a babbling brook
Or as gay as a nightingale
To appreciate life from a humming bird's perspective
Every moment vivid and vital because they are few
Fear embraced and quickly overcome
For what is there to be feared when the end is near
To taste love and suckle from its teats
Dive into it without reservation
Fully accepting of the searing pain in your heart
The smoldering of your soul
Such intense desire that drives you to the edge of insanity
Passion that pushes you over
Admiration that makes you calmer
Trust to keep you sober
Faith that there will be no other
Hope that it will last forever
Written: 20th December, 2012
By Jaydon N. Foster
Friday, 7 September 2012
SeLFisH
Some times you seems selfish, you see others in need but you choose to ignore it. You choose to avoid speaking that person just so you're day won't be tainted. How can you make a conscious decisions to let someone suffer, when you know that you can make them feel better. Is it because you are selfish, self-centered and without a heart. Is it because you are a bad person and have no morals or compassion. How can you be without those things, are you not human?
Ignoring someone else's pain pain can be done for the very same reason, that yes I am human. One of our most basic and primal instinct is self-preservation. I chose to ignore you so that I may preserve the small precious piece of happiness or peace that I experienced that day. You call me heartless and selfish, but tell me have you looked in the mirror? Yes, I admit it, I saw your pain, I saw you weeping and crying and DAMN IT, I saw you bleed too. I saw that yes I may be of some help but I choose to look the other way.
You heartless cold bitch. I thought you were my friend. I thought you cared about me. What kind of friend sees their friend in pain, hurt and just leave them there. You didn't even ask if I was ok, you didn't even help me up. You claim that you love me but I think in truth you must hate me and you were only pretending to care before. But now you are not able to do that forever; a person's true colour always shows in the end. And what do you mean by have you looked in the mirror, tell me what's that supposed to mean?
It means that this once, I was horrible and yes what I did was dreadful, there is no excuse for it. If this is my behaviour then I don't deserve any friends at all. Because I only care about myself and no one else, that makes me truly no one's friend. Right now your talking to me, I should see that you are hurt, that you are sad, lonely and in pain. But I choose to ignore it and see what I want to see and talk about, the only thing I want to talk about and that is me, for I think my problems and my life are more important that yours. As your problems are not mine then they most be meaningless, not worth acknowledging. I am not the one feeling the pain you are, so I don't care.
You admit it, you are a selfish bitch and you don't deserve to be my friend. I guess this is good bye and the end.
Yes, it is the end of me holding up the mirror to your face. For the things I just said to you are things that you say to me everyday day, without words. Now I am going to speak with my own tongue and give you my thoughts. How dare you stand before me and say that I am an awful friend. That day that your feelings got hurt. I decided to pretend to be you. I reacted to the situation as you would. I comforted you as you have comforted me, not at all. You can how could I have not seen your pain, answer me this, how could you not have seen mine. Every time you have a problem you come to me and I listen and I cared and I gave you a shoulder to lean on for support. When you sacrifice so much joy for someone you expect to get the same in return...
BUT.....
SHUT UP.... I am speaking now and finally. I ask you how you are doing and you don't ask me in return. You don't see that to smile is unusually, almost a foreign concept to me. All those things you said to me, I am now saying them to you. How could you not see and what kind of friend are you? You come and you release your pain but I cannot do the same, I help you carry your burdens. But I am left to bare mine alone. And once I left you and you question all the other times I helped you. All those awful names you just called me and those ones I called myself when I was being your mirror. These are the way you are and you don't deserve me. So I will take your advise, the only true one you ever gave me. We are no longer friends Bitch, this is the end. Selfishness wasn't so black and white now, was it?
Ignoring someone else's pain pain can be done for the very same reason, that yes I am human. One of our most basic and primal instinct is self-preservation. I chose to ignore you so that I may preserve the small precious piece of happiness or peace that I experienced that day. You call me heartless and selfish, but tell me have you looked in the mirror? Yes, I admit it, I saw your pain, I saw you weeping and crying and DAMN IT, I saw you bleed too. I saw that yes I may be of some help but I choose to look the other way.
You heartless cold bitch. I thought you were my friend. I thought you cared about me. What kind of friend sees their friend in pain, hurt and just leave them there. You didn't even ask if I was ok, you didn't even help me up. You claim that you love me but I think in truth you must hate me and you were only pretending to care before. But now you are not able to do that forever; a person's true colour always shows in the end. And what do you mean by have you looked in the mirror, tell me what's that supposed to mean?
It means that this once, I was horrible and yes what I did was dreadful, there is no excuse for it. If this is my behaviour then I don't deserve any friends at all. Because I only care about myself and no one else, that makes me truly no one's friend. Right now your talking to me, I should see that you are hurt, that you are sad, lonely and in pain. But I choose to ignore it and see what I want to see and talk about, the only thing I want to talk about and that is me, for I think my problems and my life are more important that yours. As your problems are not mine then they most be meaningless, not worth acknowledging. I am not the one feeling the pain you are, so I don't care.
You admit it, you are a selfish bitch and you don't deserve to be my friend. I guess this is good bye and the end.
Yes, it is the end of me holding up the mirror to your face. For the things I just said to you are things that you say to me everyday day, without words. Now I am going to speak with my own tongue and give you my thoughts. How dare you stand before me and say that I am an awful friend. That day that your feelings got hurt. I decided to pretend to be you. I reacted to the situation as you would. I comforted you as you have comforted me, not at all. You can how could I have not seen your pain, answer me this, how could you not have seen mine. Every time you have a problem you come to me and I listen and I cared and I gave you a shoulder to lean on for support. When you sacrifice so much joy for someone you expect to get the same in return...
BUT.....
SHUT UP.... I am speaking now and finally. I ask you how you are doing and you don't ask me in return. You don't see that to smile is unusually, almost a foreign concept to me. All those things you said to me, I am now saying them to you. How could you not see and what kind of friend are you? You come and you release your pain but I cannot do the same, I help you carry your burdens. But I am left to bare mine alone. And once I left you and you question all the other times I helped you. All those awful names you just called me and those ones I called myself when I was being your mirror. These are the way you are and you don't deserve me. So I will take your advise, the only true one you ever gave me. We are no longer friends Bitch, this is the end. Selfishness wasn't so black and white now, was it?
Friday, 27 July 2012
Veiled
I spend my days hiding the window to my soul
Keep it hidden and pretend it is whole
Put on an act for those around
Refuse to let them see me frown
Cant let them see the shame of loneliness or the crippling pain
Put up pretty walls so I'll never get hurt again
I smile and pretend that I'm having fun
Live it up not for me but for everyone
Then I retreat to my emotional cage
No longer having to be tough or brave
Pacing and lurking like a tiger pent up, full of rage
Cant see straight, cant think past the flame
Damn I am burning alive in my own space
Mouth open wide, cant you hear me scream
Your silence cuts like a knife, don't you see me bleed
I stand before you, open, naked and raw
This is who I am, not the woman you think you saw
Scared of the fact that I'm willing, wanting to let you in
Let down my walls, begin to trust again
I don't know if I can deal though
But I'm finding hard to let you go
Written January, 25th, 2011
By Shenel Christian and Jaydon N. Foster
I am not Cynical
Pretty rainbows and sugar puffs
Everything's really not full of fuck
Candy canes and sprinkles too
What a nice old wrinkled shrew
Teddy bears and stuffed bunnies
He is borrowing and not really stealing my moneys
Cotton candy and cones of honey
Down the drain my blood is running
Pretty smiles and lively laughs
Are also present when he cuts your head off
Happy faces and bright colors
Of people all stepping over each other
Fathers, mothers, sisters and brothers
All secretly hating one and the other
I am not cynical I just tell the truth
Of what I see when I look at you
Running through the rain with wind blowing through my braids
Can't stop for breath because he is still on my trail
Jumping over tree roots and skipping through meadows like a gazelle
Trying to put more distance between me and my waking hell
Swimming in the canal with the fishes
Hoping that my flesh they don't take with them
Cool water cascading over me from head to toe
Each breathe is beautifully painful to behold
Written May 25th, 2012
By Jaydon N. Foster
Inspiration : Always having to force myself to have a positive outlook of the world. I was in 连老师 的课, and I have finished writing "Relapse" and I was wondering : If someone read it what would they think of my outlook on life and the world. And i did not want to give them the wrong (bad) impression of me. But I know that sometimes my view are not exactly pretty but on the outside I change them or force myself to see them in a different light and that is when the first 2 lines popped into my head. Of wondering if I truly let out my cynical side and then amplifying it , what would be the product.
Everything's really not full of fuck
Candy canes and sprinkles too
What a nice old wrinkled shrew
Teddy bears and stuffed bunnies
He is borrowing and not really stealing my moneys
Cotton candy and cones of honey
Down the drain my blood is running
Pretty smiles and lively laughs
Are also present when he cuts your head off
Happy faces and bright colors
Of people all stepping over each other
Fathers, mothers, sisters and brothers
All secretly hating one and the other
I am not cynical I just tell the truth
Of what I see when I look at you
Running through the rain with wind blowing through my braids
Can't stop for breath because he is still on my trail
Jumping over tree roots and skipping through meadows like a gazelle
Trying to put more distance between me and my waking hell
Swimming in the canal with the fishes
Hoping that my flesh they don't take with them
Cool water cascading over me from head to toe
Each breathe is beautifully painful to behold
Written May 25th, 2012
By Jaydon N. Foster
Inspiration : Always having to force myself to have a positive outlook of the world. I was in 连老师 的课, and I have finished writing "Relapse" and I was wondering : If someone read it what would they think of my outlook on life and the world. And i did not want to give them the wrong (bad) impression of me. But I know that sometimes my view are not exactly pretty but on the outside I change them or force myself to see them in a different light and that is when the first 2 lines popped into my head. Of wondering if I truly let out my cynical side and then amplifying it , what would be the product.
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