Veiled

I spend my days hiding the window to my soul

Keep it hidden and pretend it is whole

Put on an act for those around

Refuse to let them see me frown

Cant let them see the shame of loneliness or the crippling pain

Put up pretty walls so I'll never get hurt again

I smile and pretend that I'm having fun

Live it up not for me but for everyone

Then I retreat to my emotional cage

No longer having to be tough or brave

Pacing and lurking like a tiger pent up, full of rage

Cant see straight, cant think past the flame

Damn I am burning alive in my own space

Mouth open wide, cant you hear me scream

Your silence cuts like a knife, don't you see me bleed

I stand before you, open, naked and raw

This is who I am, not the woman you think you saw

Scared of the fact that I'm willing, wanting to let you in

Let down my walls, begin to trust again

I don't know if I can deal though

But I'm finding hard to let you go

Written January, 25th, 2011

By Shenel Christian and Jaydon N. Foster

I am not Cynical

Pretty rainbows and sugar puffs
Everything's really not full of fuck
Candy canes and sprinkles too
What a nice old wrinkled shrew
Teddy bears and stuffed bunnies 
He is borrowing and not really stealing my moneys 
Cotton candy and cones of honey
Down the drain my blood is running 
Pretty smiles and lively laughs
Are also present when he cuts your head off
Happy faces and bright colors
Of people all stepping over each other
Fathers, mothers, sisters and brothers
All secretly hating one and the other 
I am not cynical I just tell the truth
Of what I see when I look at you


Running through the rain with wind blowing through my braids
Can't stop for breath because he is still on my trail 
Jumping over tree roots and skipping through meadows like a gazelle 
Trying to put more distance between me and my waking hell

Swimming in the canal with the fishes 
Hoping that my flesh they don't take with them
Cool water cascading over me from head to toe
Each breathe is beautifully painful to behold

Written May 25th, 2012
By Jaydon N. Foster

Inspiration : Always having to force myself to have a positive outlook of the world. I was in  连老师 的课, and I have finished writing "Relapse" and I was wondering : If someone read it what would they think of my outlook on life and the world. And i did not want to give them the wrong (bad) impression of me. But I know that sometimes my view are not exactly pretty but on the outside I change them or force myself to see them in a different light and that is when the first 2 lines popped into my head. Of wondering if I truly let out my cynical side and then amplifying it , what would be the product.  

Relapse

I am in that mood again
Causing myself unwanted pain
Letting my mind wonder down dark lanes 
Where the truths and facts are clouded, not plain


Should I have continued on the designated path
Everything would have been just fine
Would not have to decipher any codes
Or read any messages in the bones


Everyday, I stand and wonder what the future holds
And on that same day I watch as it passes me by
How can I bare this pain of constantly standing on the sidelines
Watching as everybody else live their precious lives


How am I to be glad for them when I am paining inside?
Put on a smile and pretend that everything is alright
It is all good, can't you see how genuine my smile is 
Never mind that the light of it does not reach my eyes


I told you I am fine, why do you keep looking at me
Do not worry, they are tears of joy, I am joyful because the world is so beautiful
No, I am not sobbing, I am exclaiming in amazement 
Why would you think that I am trembling, I am shaking with excitement


Written May 25th, 2012
By Jaydon N. Foster

Liberian Girl-Woman

Lovely on the outside and in
Intelligent in both womanly wiles and life
Beauty that exuberates through a smile
Elegance, in walk, stance, in all

Radiant, so is your personality that eclipse's the sun
Intensity in all you do, be it friendship or love
Another of you I could not find, multifaceted and divine
Never to be duplicated or imitated, truly one of a kind


Greeting with a smile seems to be your custom 
Igniting fire in the hearts of all the guys you meet 
Real; true to yourself and to your friends 
Love, this is my feelings to you and my wish for you in life


Warm is your embrace and your heart
Open is your heart and your love 
Maturity, is your virtue, understanding and kindness your gift
Adored, you are by everyone you come in contact with
Never, shall you be forgotten by me, forever shall I be grateful for your friendship and kindness


Written May 8th, 2012
By Jaydon N. Foster 

Wrath; Rage in and it Stage

You should push his head in the wall
Bounce it like a basketball
By the ears grab him , step back
Take a breathe maybe even two
Slam him back, One breathe from him and one from you

Let it all pour out like an unholy river
Flowing heavily with wrath streams forking river in two
As they meet the unmoving mountain of your will
No, do no end it yet, draw it out, savor the kill

Bask in the exhilarating sensation
Of your heart as it beat faster and faster
While you wait to pounce on him
Let your rage explode from within

The dark eyes gleaming from the depth of your soul
Showing the being that they truly hold
A beast that pounces upon every irritation,
Every creature that stands in its way is nothing but a prey
Just another nuisance to scrape from underneath the nail.

The beast I always try to hide
Is stalking always, waiting to defend my pride
At any moment any time of the day
You will be my victim you will be my prey

Written by Jaydon N. Foster, Richard Bastille and Manish Dosoruth.

F.W.B

I am so exhausted from paying this game with no end
The one that you have to guess who's your enemy and who's your friend
There is no rules, no time outs, no penalties, no breaks
There are no victors, the point is to see how much pain you can take

Now this game is a game in another game
The one where in life you either succeed or fail
For this one you need your friends to have your back
To keep you grounded and on the right track

So to my back is my most trusted companions
Yet still I fear the risk of the concealed weapons
When will the true face finally be unearthed
When the mask will finally react like pollen and be dispersed

These are all games on the outside but there is another game more dangerously played
The game of the heart, the mind, the soul and everything you hold.
I have played this game thinking that there is nothing to it
It will be easy to play, easy to dominate
But can you such a game of war with no armor, no my men at arms
Bullet proof vest is so weak, no true shield
My gun is a water pistol and even my sling shot is armed with cotton balls
My bow and no arrows are the best that I have
Nothing to protect my head, so in this game
My head is not of much use because its half there and half blown away


Written By: Jaydon N. Foster in 2012

Cloaked and Masked

Depressed and totally happy about it

Distressed and completely optimistic it will continue

Extremely glad that I was sad today

I welcome it home like an old flame, hoping it would stay

Despairing about everything in life 

Gives me comfort day and night

Like a familiar friend to warm my bed 

Heartache is but a pillow for my head

Debilitating regret is my daily bread 

Unfulfilled desires is my true best friend

Constantly beside me, never left me alone

With me from I was young and promises

To be there when I am old

Betrayal keeps me safe

Because by him I am always surrounded

He does his job well, even has back up

A friend called Jealousy to keep his spirit up

Give him drive and fuel to get the job done

When things get serious they bring out the big guns

They call in Jealousy's son, Hate to have a little fun 

So my life is full and rich 

Surrounded by friends; protection and nourishment

So no need to worry about how I survive

They are always by my side

Written: April 3rd, 2012

By: Jaydon N. Foster

A cry for HELP!

The tears keep coming as the pain won't subside
I have to run, lie and scheme because I can't hide
My haven is gone along with my chances of escape
Everywhere I look I am surrounded, like an animal caged


Yes I am a beast I feel all claws and teeth
Just my basic needs to live, survive and feed
No rational thoughts just animalistic needs
No regret, yet no escape from my evil carnal deeds


My actions have left me trapped and alone
I am drowning in this well; drenched in my own tears and aching cold
My silent screams are so loud that I am now deaf
My tears so filled with blood I am now blind and close to death


So far removed from an others touch I have lost my mind 
How can one embrace oneself when their skin is made of thrones
How can one fathom comforting someone else when all feelings are numb or gone
How can you find your way home when your blind, deaf and mute!


I am standing in the middle of a crowd screaming at the top of my lungs
Bleeding every ounce, every drop of my blood
Yet no one sees me and no one feels me 
I am an empty vessel even my soul leaves me


It has gone from this place, so has his embrace
The smile that was just meant for me
The delicate touches that made me forget to breathe
The look in his eyes that said "You mean the world to me"


So I go everyday with these thoughts in my head
Of a perfect love never again to be felt 
Of the way we carved out its heart and cleaved out its soul
Of how we made a beautiful delicate being no longer whole


When we destroyed our love, I was destroyed too
Now I am a shadow of a person, a shadow engulfed in pain
Cloaked in smiles, laughs and most painful of all, dreams and hopes
Hoping and praying for a second chance, a little mercy to be forgiven 

Each day it hurts a little less

Yet still there is lava and brimstone pouring out my chest 

Each beat made a new crack

And each breathe corrodes

Barely survived this hour now here comes one more

Want to cry so badly but can't withstand the acid rain 

Blood drops from my vain

An easy way to end the pain 

Endorphins in my brain 

Makes for a peaceful (and happy) day 

I would go now but I have to stay

Because it is to God I pray

A Cry for Help Written By

Jaydon N. Foster

April 3rd , 2012

In class 603, 一号楼,

Shandong  University,

Jinan, Shandong,

China. 

Who will answer my cry?

No one.

The Peak

That smile so Bright and wide
I could drink of it day and night 
That body so sexy and nice
Melding my self to it feel so right

A kiss from those lips, soft and pure 
Mend all my aches, oh an instant cure
Never have I been so wanton and wild
Until I laid eyes on this Heaven's child

I am drawn to him in the most unusual way 
I want to lie upon the mound of Heaven 
Inhale, exhale, rise and fall
Pound on the Pearly Gate
Dwell in its Sanctuary
Bask in it's Grace
Taste of it's Glorious fruits
And drink of thy sweet Nectar

How blessed it would be to be brought to such heights
Splendid, be it day or night 
Such a journey would be exhausting but exhilarating
I would like to take that trip again, what's a little more exalting
Oh this would put me in great bliss
Though I would groan and moan on the journey
It can be silenced with a passionate kiss
If i may fall please lift me up

But please don't drop me, that would hurt too much


Written: 19th June, 2010
By: Jaydon N. Foster