SeLFisH

Some times you seems selfish, you see others in need but you choose to ignore it. You choose to avoid speaking that person just so you're day won't be tainted. How can you make a conscious decisions to let someone suffer, when you know that you can make them feel better. Is it because you are selfish, self-centered and without a heart. Is it because you are a bad person and have no morals or compassion. How can you be without those things, are you not human?

Ignoring someone else's pain pain can be done for the very same reason, that yes I am human. One of our most basic and primal instinct is self-preservation. I chose to ignore you so that I may preserve the small precious piece of happiness or peace that I experienced that day. You call me heartless and selfish, but tell me have you looked in the mirror? Yes, I admit it, I saw your pain, I saw you weeping and crying and DAMN IT, I saw you bleed too. I saw that yes I may be of some help but I choose to look the other way.

You heartless cold bitch. I thought you were my friend. I thought you cared about me. What kind of friend sees their friend in pain, hurt and just leave them there. You didn't even ask if I was ok, you didn't even help me up. You claim that you love me but I think in truth you must hate me and you were only pretending to care before. But now you are not able to do that forever; a person's true colour always shows in the end. And what do you mean by have you looked in the mirror, tell me what's that supposed to mean?

It means that this once, I was horrible and yes what I did was dreadful, there is no excuse for it. If this is my behaviour then I don't deserve any friends at all. Because I only care about myself and no one else, that makes me truly no one's friend. Right now your talking to me, I should see that you are hurt, that you are sad, lonely and in pain. But I choose to ignore it and see what I want to see and talk about, the only thing I want to talk about and that is me, for I think my problems and my life are more important that yours. As your problems are not mine then they most be meaningless, not worth acknowledging. I am not the one feeling the pain you are, so I don't care.

You admit it, you are a selfish bitch and you don't deserve to be my friend. I guess this is good bye and the end.

Yes, it is the end of me holding up the mirror to your face. For the things I just said to you are things that you say to me everyday day, without words. Now I am going to speak with my own tongue and give you my thoughts. How dare you stand before me and say that I am an awful friend. That day that your feelings got hurt. I decided to pretend to be you. I reacted to the situation as you would. I comforted you as you have comforted me, not at all. You can how could I have not seen your pain, answer me this, how could you not have seen mine. Every time you have a problem you come to me and I listen and I cared and I gave you a shoulder to lean on for support. When you sacrifice so much joy for someone you expect to get the same in return...

BUT.....

SHUT UP.... I am speaking now and finally. I ask you how you are doing and you don't ask me in return. You don't see that to smile is unusually, almost a foreign concept to me. All those things you said to me, I am now saying them to you. How could you not see and what kind of friend are you? You come and you release your pain but I cannot do the same, I help you carry your burdens. But I am left to bare mine alone. And once I left you and you question all the other times I helped you. All those awful names you just called me and those ones I called myself when I was being your mirror. These are the way you are and you don't deserve me. So I will take your advise, the only true one you ever gave me. We are no longer friends Bitch, this is the end. Selfishness wasn't so black and white now, was it?

Veiled

I spend my days hiding the window to my soul

Keep it hidden and pretend it is whole

Put on an act for those around

Refuse to let them see me frown

Cant let them see the shame of loneliness or the crippling pain

Put up pretty walls so I'll never get hurt again

I smile and pretend that I'm having fun

Live it up not for me but for everyone

Then I retreat to my emotional cage

No longer having to be tough or brave

Pacing and lurking like a tiger pent up, full of rage

Cant see straight, cant think past the flame

Damn I am burning alive in my own space

Mouth open wide, cant you hear me scream

Your silence cuts like a knife, don't you see me bleed

I stand before you, open, naked and raw

This is who I am, not the woman you think you saw

Scared of the fact that I'm willing, wanting to let you in

Let down my walls, begin to trust again

I don't know if I can deal though

But I'm finding hard to let you go

Written January, 25th, 2011

By Shenel Christian and Jaydon N. Foster

I am not Cynical

Pretty rainbows and sugar puffs
Everything's really not full of fuck
Candy canes and sprinkles too
What a nice old wrinkled shrew
Teddy bears and stuffed bunnies 
He is borrowing and not really stealing my moneys 
Cotton candy and cones of honey
Down the drain my blood is running 
Pretty smiles and lively laughs
Are also present when he cuts your head off
Happy faces and bright colors
Of people all stepping over each other
Fathers, mothers, sisters and brothers
All secretly hating one and the other 
I am not cynical I just tell the truth
Of what I see when I look at you


Running through the rain with wind blowing through my braids
Can't stop for breath because he is still on my trail 
Jumping over tree roots and skipping through meadows like a gazelle 
Trying to put more distance between me and my waking hell

Swimming in the canal with the fishes 
Hoping that my flesh they don't take with them
Cool water cascading over me from head to toe
Each breathe is beautifully painful to behold

Written May 25th, 2012
By Jaydon N. Foster

Inspiration : Always having to force myself to have a positive outlook of the world. I was in  连老师 的课, and I have finished writing "Relapse" and I was wondering : If someone read it what would they think of my outlook on life and the world. And i did not want to give them the wrong (bad) impression of me. But I know that sometimes my view are not exactly pretty but on the outside I change them or force myself to see them in a different light and that is when the first 2 lines popped into my head. Of wondering if I truly let out my cynical side and then amplifying it , what would be the product.  

Relapse

I am in that mood again
Causing myself unwanted pain
Letting my mind wonder down dark lanes 
Where the truths and facts are clouded, not plain


Should I have continued on the designated path
Everything would have been just fine
Would not have to decipher any codes
Or read any messages in the bones


Everyday, I stand and wonder what the future holds
And on that same day I watch as it passes me by
How can I bare this pain of constantly standing on the sidelines
Watching as everybody else live their precious lives


How am I to be glad for them when I am paining inside?
Put on a smile and pretend that everything is alright
It is all good, can't you see how genuine my smile is 
Never mind that the light of it does not reach my eyes


I told you I am fine, why do you keep looking at me
Do not worry, they are tears of joy, I am joyful because the world is so beautiful
No, I am not sobbing, I am exclaiming in amazement 
Why would you think that I am trembling, I am shaking with excitement


Written May 25th, 2012
By Jaydon N. Foster

Liberian Girl-Woman

Lovely on the outside and in
Intelligent in both womanly wiles and life
Beauty that exuberates through a smile
Elegance, in walk, stance, in all

Radiant, so is your personality that eclipse's the sun
Intensity in all you do, be it friendship or love
Another of you I could not find, multifaceted and divine
Never to be duplicated or imitated, truly one of a kind


Greeting with a smile seems to be your custom 
Igniting fire in the hearts of all the guys you meet 
Real; true to yourself and to your friends 
Love, this is my feelings to you and my wish for you in life


Warm is your embrace and your heart
Open is your heart and your love 
Maturity, is your virtue, understanding and kindness your gift
Adored, you are by everyone you come in contact with
Never, shall you be forgotten by me, forever shall I be grateful for your friendship and kindness


Written May 8th, 2012
By Jaydon N. Foster 

Wrath; Rage in and it Stage

You should push his head in the wall
Bounce it like a basketball
By the ears grab him , step back
Take a breathe maybe even two
Slam him back, One breathe from him and one from you

Let it all pour out like an unholy river
Flowing heavily with wrath streams forking river in two
As they meet the unmoving mountain of your will
No, do no end it yet, draw it out, savor the kill

Bask in the exhilarating sensation
Of your heart as it beat faster and faster
While you wait to pounce on him
Let your rage explode from within

The dark eyes gleaming from the depth of your soul
Showing the being that they truly hold
A beast that pounces upon every irritation,
Every creature that stands in its way is nothing but a prey
Just another nuisance to scrape from underneath the nail.

The beast I always try to hide
Is stalking always, waiting to defend my pride
At any moment any time of the day
You will be my victim you will be my prey

Written by Jaydon N. Foster, Richard Bastille and Manish Dosoruth.

F.W.B

I am so exhausted from paying this game with no end
The one that you have to guess who's your enemy and who's your friend
There is no rules, no time outs, no penalties, no breaks
There are no victors, the point is to see how much pain you can take

Now this game is a game in another game
The one where in life you either succeed or fail
For this one you need your friends to have your back
To keep you grounded and on the right track

So to my back is my most trusted companions
Yet still I fear the risk of the concealed weapons
When will the true face finally be unearthed
When the mask will finally react like pollen and be dispersed

These are all games on the outside but there is another game more dangerously played
The game of the heart, the mind, the soul and everything you hold.
I have played this game thinking that there is nothing to it
It will be easy to play, easy to dominate
But can you such a game of war with no armor, no my men at arms
Bullet proof vest is so weak, no true shield
My gun is a water pistol and even my sling shot is armed with cotton balls
My bow and no arrows are the best that I have
Nothing to protect my head, so in this game
My head is not of much use because its half there and half blown away


Written By: Jaydon N. Foster in 2012